Helping Kids Thrive During a PCS Move

April is the Month of the Military Child, which honors the resilience of military kids and the important role they play in our Armed Forces community. It also marks the beginning of PCS (‘Permanent’ Change of Station) season, when many of these children will be packing up once again, leaving behind familiar faces and places to start over in a new location. It’s no wonder the official flower of the military child is the dandelion! Just like these children, the seed of the dandelion has no say in where the wind carries it or where it will land, but it can put down roots almost anywhere and is nearly indestructible.

The endurance and optimism these kids develop doesn’t mean that being uprooted every few years is easy. It’s hard to leave behind best friends, favorite teachers and coaches, and all the places they frequented that made up their young worlds for what may be the only season of life they can remember. The disruption in their education, especially for those who transition mid-schoolyear, can present major challenges. Even more basic, though, is the fact that children need the security of home. A PCS move can entail many weeks or even months staying in various hotels and temporary homes, and securing “permanent” housing on the other end often is a drawn-out process full of uncertainty and waiting.

We discovered as we watched one of our daughters struggle during one such challenging, months-long relocation that it can be fundamentally disorienting when a child has taken the brave step of leaving their home behind but don’t yet have any concept of what their new home will be like or when they’ll finally get to start the process of settling in. Our little introvert was feeling lost at sea, as her uncharacteristically dark moods reflected, and more than any grief over what she had left behind, what she was longing for most was an anchor through the chaos, and, ultimately, a place to land. Things began to improve when she was thrown a life raft in the form of her very own suitcase. Up until that point, I had been packing all the kids’ clothes together in one big bag, so this girl who loves to organize and make things cozy and retreat to a space of her own was beyond thrilled when I gave her a pretty teal suitcase for her to store all her things in. I knew she would like it, but I had no idea how much she needed it, and it was then that it clicked for me how important it can be for kids to make a place their own.

Ways to Help a Child Feel Anchored Through a Move

Keep or Create Family Rituals

You likely won’t be able to keep all of your usual family rhythms during a move, but a few familiar experiences throughout each day or week can provide a helpful anchor for kids. It also reminds them that your relationship with each other will stay constant through the changes. If your family has a nightly ritual of bedtime prayers, songs, or stories, don’t skip it while you’re on the move. Do you have a weekly pizza and movie night? Try to still make it happen. And while the familiar rituals can be particularly comforting, you might find that it can be a good time to start a new tradition or two, as well. Maybe you’d like to share your highs and lows from the day around the dinner table, or list three things you’re each thankful for at bedtime, or start the morning with an upbeat song while you get ready for the day. Whatever fosters a sense of togetherness and makes the time of upheaval one also filled with some sweet memories is worth the effort.

Use Photos

A bittersweet part of moving when children are young is that they don’t always remember old places and people for very long. Or conversely, they may feel suddenly cut off from those things and need some acknowledgement that those were real and significant parts of their history. Re-experiencing memories through photos can help kids process and remember their previous season of life. While you’ll eventually want to shift toward focusing more on your new place, this can be a way to help them feel less adrift while they’re waiting to get settled and also allow them to grieve a bit if needed. Plus, sweet photos can be wonderful to look back on down the road, so be sure to capture a few shots of the everyday things throughout each assignment, like their bedrooms, their schools, their best friends, and your favorite spots around town. I moved only once as a child, but I still enjoy looking back at photos of the place I first called home and appreciate that my parents took and kept some. You might even let your kids loose with a camera and let them capture the things they want to remember.

Go Beyond Digital

A small, portable photo album of their own with pictures of friends and family that they can carry in their backpack or keep by their bed can help kids feel connected to loved ones they’re not seeing every day. For the littlest ones, you can even get a more durable baby-friendly album [affiliate link to one I’ve purchased several times]. A larger, coffee table style album containing photos of their old house, bedroom, school, friends, and favorite places (basically, a snapshot of their life in that place and season) can be a great keepsake, as well. And to help them remember all the wonderful adventures you’ve had together as a family and give them an opening to talk about them with new friends, why not display them on the wall? It was so hard for us to choose just a few photos to frame, so rather than keep them buried on a computer somewhere and let them be forgotten, we got several of these great collage frames that can fit 16 photos each! Lastly, we’ve found that just getting a few photos printed off and sticking them straight up on the walls of their new bedroom when the room is still empty is a simple way to make them feel more at home. Throwing in a couple shots of your child feeling joyful and confident (riding a bike, accepting an award, being silly, etc.) can be a great addition, as well, to remind them that they can conquer challenges and that they’ll find joy in new places.

Decorate Their Room First

There’s so much to do when the household goods finally arrive, but helping kids set up their own space first will give them a sense of security, so be sure to clearly mark their boxes so they can be unpacked first. If they’ve got any easily portable decor, consider taking it with you in your luggage so they can have a taste of home right away. Our kids’ rooms are decorated with some really easy-to-make garlands I’ve strung together using colored card stock or felt balls, and they’re easy to throw in a ziplock bag and toss in a suitcase. Our kids also love these dream tents that fold up flat in their own zippered bag, and one kid has a favorite foldable poster that is easy to slide in a suitcase pocket. When we are able to send an express shipment, we generally throw in a laundry basket full of stuffed animals that didn’t make the suitcase cut, some dress up clothes and playsilks (so versatile for imaginary play!) and a few other toys, making the arrival of that small first shipment an exciting one.

Make the house fun

Some of the memories that stick out to me and to my kids the most from our various moves are when we’ve stepped into our empty new homes for the first time and let the kids run around and explore! Discovering new nooks around the house, romping through the halls, and dancing around in their new bedrooms can be thrilling, and finally arriving at a place you can call your own is a cause for celebration. An unfurnished and yet-unfamiliar house can be a fun place for a memorable game of hide-and-seek, as well!

The sense of joy about your new home doesn’t have to fade after the first day. One of the best things we’ve done each time we’ve moved is to designate a closet or other space to be a cozy reading room! Just throw some pillows and blankets down, add a basket of books, and you’ve got a secret hideout! If you do it right away, you’ll never miss the storage space, and the kids will have a cozy retreat to call their own and the kind of special place that childhood memories are made of. I’ve even been known to hide out there myself for some quiet from time to time!

Other ideas to make the house fun might be a designated board game table, a chalkboard wall or large board you can write or draw funny things on, words-and-phrases refrigerator magnets to leave each other messages or funny sayings, an indoor swing, or a selection of silly music at the ready. Do you have some ideas of your own for making a house fun? Please share in the comments!

Make it smell like home

If you’ve ever sold a home, you may have been advised to be mindful of the scents left behind by your cooking or other smells that might impact how potential buyers feel about your home upon entering, for better or for worse. If we do this to make others feel at home when we’re leaving, why not use scent to make our own family feel more at home when we are settling in? Our senses can be powerful tools in managing and evoking emotions, and there’s nothing like the smell of a home-cooked meal to create the comforting feeling of home. So once you’ve got some cooking supplies, whip up some delicious-smelling comfort food for your kiddos, or make it together! It doesn’t have to be a complicated 5-course meal, but a simple pot of soup, some fresh herbs thrown into a basic recipe, or a batch of warm muffins can draw people together in the kitchen and give them the sense that after all the days of takeout and hotel beds, they’re finally home. A little music while you cook is always a great addition to the atmosphere, too!

And if the movers wouldn’t pack your candles or you let your supply dwindle in preparation for the move, go pick out some delightfully-scented candles or oils to diffuse. Picking out scents is an activity most kids will love, and getting to choose a little something to help make their new house a home is a way for them to make it their own.

Connect with Friends, old and new

Parting Mementos

Just as adults often exchange parting gifts, it can be meaningful for kids to do the same, but they will likely need a little help coming up with an idea and executing it. When my son was about to move for the first time, he and I sewed some simple stuffed birds out of felt and gave one to each of his friends. He kept one, too, and we told the kids that when they missed each other, they could whisper a message to their bird before bed and they could imagine it flying to deliver their message to their friend while they dreamed. It’s been years since that move, but my son still treasures his little bird and those friends from his early childhood. You could also do a similar thing with teddy bear hugs or little hearts. Friendship bracelets are another nice way to keep thoughts of each other close at hand. And framed photos, sometimes signed by a whole group of friends, have been some of the most treasured things we’ve received from others as we’ve parted ways.

When it’s someone else you and your kids are sending off, a puzzle or a game of Jenga with each piece signed with well-wishes from a group is a gift they’ll look back on with fondness for years to come and think of you when they use it. Mix tapes/playlists can be sweet (and free) gifts, and if there’s been one special song you’ve shared together during hard times, during a fun party, or at church, consider framing the lyrics or painting them on a canvas or wood board. And for a farewell for one special friend heading out, a fancy luggage tag can convey that you support them on all their future adventures. So brainstorm with your kids and let them choose something special to leave behind with their most treasured friends.

Open-hearted Greetings

It can be easy to stick to yourself for a while when you arrive at your new location with all you have to do, but your kids likely have little to distract them and will really need to make some new connections. Isn’t it amazing how kids can often start up a friendship almost instantly? They just need the opportunity to meet each other! Some kids have a harder time making friends, but that makes it all the more crucial to provide those opportunities for them. So head over to the playground (our kids love making new friends over a game of tag), or get them signed up for an activity as soon as possible. And a key element in helping them make friends is to create the opportunity to see each other again, since they don’t have cars or phones of their own. So if your child hits it off with someone, grab their contact info or plan a time to meet up again. Having a friend to start out their time in this new place will make all the difference to your child.

Explore the perks of new location

Every new place has things to enjoy, and now is a great time to discover some of them. It won’t be the same things you and your kids loved about your old place, but as you experience the attractions and hidden gems of your new place, they will gradually become yours and help this place become a beloved part of your story. They’ll also provide something fun to “write home” about when your kids talk to their relatives or write to their old friends.

Share your feelings with each other

When almost everything about their life is changing at once, kids need to be reminded of the things that will stay the same. As adults, we can assume a child knows what a move means- and doesn’t mean- but many PCSing parents have discovered that the reason their young child has been obviously or secretly distressed or acting out is because they believed their belongings, their pets, or even one of their parents wouldn’t be coming along. So even if it seems obvious to you, be sure to take the time to explain the specifics of the move to your child and remind them of the things that will remain constant, especially your cohesiveness as a family, something that can actually be strengthened by the military lifestyle. And while our experiences do shape us to a degree, who we are as individuals is something we carry with us from place to place, as well. Remind your child that they will find new outlets for their strengths and interests, their assets as a friend will soon be appreciated by people who will grow to love them, and that their new place will eventually feel like home.

But as much as children need us to provide reassurance and a hopeful perspective, they may also need to process feelings of sadness, anger or anxiety, and as parents we want to provide a safe haven for them to talk about their feelings rather than brush them off with shallow optimism. As busy as this time may be, it may also be a time when some extra cuddles, bedtime talks, or one-on-one time with you would be really meaningful to them and help them navigate the transition more easily. It will also strengthen your relationship with each other, the most reassuring anchor they have. And while we want to give them the security of knowing that we trust things will work out for the best, it can also be helpful for them to know that we will miss the people and places we are leaving behind and that we sometimes feel nervous about heading into new situations, too. It can be a relief for kids to know they’re not alone in what they’re feeling, so keep the lines of dialogue open during the move and beyond.

Use Music

Music can be a powerful instrument of empathy and inspiration, particularly during times of change. Choosing some encouraging music to play during your travels is a great way to set a hopeful tone. Sharing a playlist you’ve made specifically for your child can also be a way to reach them when they’re experiencing a lot of feelings, particularly an older child who might be struggling more with leaving behind deeper friendships or who may not be as quick to talk. Even if they end up finding your taste in music a bit corny at times, it will send them the message that you see them, you care about what they’re going through, and that others have felt the feelings they feel, reminding them they’re not alone. The upbeat songs can also add some fun to a road trip or a night in at your new place!

Look for the Wonders

It’s true that the happiest people are the ones who focus on what they have to be grateful for, no matter the circumstances, but can be challenging to cultivate thankfulness when we are in a season of challenge or uncertainty, and it can seem dismissive to encourage someone else to do so when they’re struggling. One way we can cultivate peace and joy in ourselves and our kids without negating their feelings is to shift our focus from the big issues of the transition to the little, tangible things we can see and touch and find wonder in. The way the raindrops dance on the car window and form little rivers. The scampering squirrels or interesting new bugs that you didn’t see in your old yard. An ice cream cone savored on a hot day. The youngest among us are great at finding delight in the little things, and when we reconnect with that sense of wonder in the simple things all around us, we can all find ourselves feeling lighter and more ready to take on a world that is waiting for us with open arms.