by Hadassah Treu
– Homeward Bound Series – Hadassah’s Story –
The heavy grief enveloped me like a dark cloud, pressing on my chest and taking my breath away. I only hoped to escape, to go somewhere far away, in a distant land, away from the cloud, away from the pain.
Instead, I put on my shoes and just started walking along the streets without aim or direction. My head was replaying scene after scene. There was the day in the hospital when I saw my husband alive for the last time. I would never forget the helpless look in his eyes, the shallowness of his breathing, and how desperately he held onto my hand. Most of the time he had his eyes closed, only to open them from time to time, searching to see my face, and faintly squeezing my hand. “I am here, my love, I am here,” I whispered whenever he reached out for my hand. I left the hospital with a heavy heart, with the notion that something terrible, unthinkable would happen.
And then the last memory: me crying desperately over his unrecognizable, swollen body, connected with a machine that pumped air in his lungs and kept his heart beating, with tubes in his mouth. I couldn’t kiss his mouth because of the tubes. I hovered over his body, stroking his forehead and uttering, “I love you. It is okay, my love, you can go home, it is okay. I will be okay.”
Except that I was not okay. My worst fears became my reality. His death plunged me into the cold, suffocating darkness and I felt the waters closing over me. I cried desperately to God in anguish, with tears and sobs. However, I was surprised to discover that I could still breathe underwater and that I am still alive. How it is possible that I still live in a world without my beloved?
I didn’t want to. In the first days and weeks, I kept telling God I didn’t want to live in a world without my husband, in a world where he simply disappeared. In the moments when I kept quiet, I could hear God saying, “He has not disappeared. He is well, he is with Me. He is healed and whole, and happy. One day, you will see him and reunite with him.”
One day… But how I am supposed to bridge the time till then? I still have a life to live, maybe years and decades ahead, until I see my beloved again in Heaven.
“Step by step, my child,” I heard Him saying. “One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. You will be okay. I will provide for you.”
And so He did. Somehow, day after day, hour by hour, God gave me the strength to breathe, sleep, work, and live. What gave me the most comfort in the weeks and months after the unthinkable happened was thinking about the resurrection and God’s promise of eternal life.
Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” (John 11:25-26 NIV)
This was the foundation of my cultivating an eternity mindset–the key to overcoming everything that comes our way.
Jesus is the Lord over life and death, and I can place all my painful longings upon Him. I can invest my hopes, even the lost and deferred ones, into Him. He is my ultimate Hope, the hope of glory (Colossians 1:27).
Experiencing this life-altering loss pushed me to live from the perspective of eternity. I need to recall daily when dealing with my grief that everything in this world is fleeting and temporary, including our suffering. We are only passing through as strangers and sojourners in this world (Hebrews 11:13).
Remembering the brevity of life helped me to cultivate gratefulness for every single day of my life. God prompted me to keep a gratitude journal. I start every day now by writing at least five things I am grateful for. This was a step forward to finding life again after my devastation. Gratitude opened my heart to be present again and learn to enjoy and fully experience every moment – the happy and the sad ones because both are temporary and quickly disappear.
Even if some things hang with us for years, this is nothing on the backdrop of eternity. And eternity matters. Our life here is a preparation for eternity–it is a training of righteousness, godliness, and love.
Seeing things through the lens of eternity helped me also to focus much more easily on what matters most: on the things that matter for eternity. It is much easier to overlook grievances, to forgive, to give love, and to be more generous with my time and resources.
Slowly, I found life again, even after my worst fear materialized. I found life again because I am connected with the Source of life. The Spirit of the eternal God lives in me, and He has sealed me for eternal life and a glorious future with Him.
Hadassah Treu is an award-winning Christian author, blogger, and poet, the Encouraging Blogger Award Winner of 2020. She is passionate about encouraging people on the journey of faith and a deeper walk with God. She is a regular contributor to the faith-based platforms Devotable and Koinonia; COMPEL Proverbs 31 Ministries Blog writer and Freelancing Community Group leader, and Blogger Voices Network contributor. Hadassah is a contributing author to several faith-based devotional and poetry anthologies. She has been featured on (In)courage, Proverbs 31 Ministries, Living by Design Ministries, Thoughts About God, Aletheia Today, Today’s Christian Living, and other popular sites. Connect with Hadassah on her blog and on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and YouTube.
I could literally feel every emotion with the words you delicately used! Thank you for sharing what was the hardest day of your life in such a beautiful and God-honoring way! While this was a painful event for you, God used it to bring good into your life. I am praying for you!!
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