One simple way to enjoy the little years more

Don’t worry, I’m not going to say it. I won’t give you the most common piece of advice given to mothers of young children, which happens to be the one thing they usually dread hearing: “Enjoy them while they’re little. They grow up so fast!”

As a mom of littles myself, I cringe right along with you. This advice, while true and well-intentioned, is exceedingly hard to hear when you’re in the thick of it, because parenting littles is HARD. The admonition to enjoy something that takes every ounce of strength you have does not produce more enjoyment, just more guilt. And moms surely don’t need any more of that.

The other reason this advice stings is that we do deeply long to appreciate these precious and fleeting years. We know what a blessing our children are, and how they’ll soon be grown, and we don’t want to miss it being swallowed up in negativity. There are delightful moments, to be sure, and so much to be thankful for. But this work of tending to the ceaseless physical and emotional demands of children is gritty and, to be honest, sometimes soul-crushing, especially because most of us do it with so little support. (When’s the last time that advice-giver offered some help?)

So, no, I’m not going to tell you that you should enjoy this time more. But I will share with you how you can enjoy it more. With no guilt, no pressure. (I won’t even tell you to put your phone down or to stop yelling. I promise.). I want to take some pressure off, and invite you to breathe.

Mindfulness for Moms

In fact, that’s exactly what I’m inviting you to do: BREATHE. Try it. Let go of all the thoughts and feelings swirling around inside you, all the chaos happening around you, and take a deep breath. Notice what it feels like for your body to take in that breath of air. Then take a moment to tune into your physical senses. Pick any one of your 5 senses and name what you notice. Do you smell the remnants of an overcooked meal wafting in from the kitchen? Do you feel the carpet beneath your fingers as you play with the baby on the floor or bend down to pick up toys? Is the sun shining down on your face? Do you feel a draft from the air vent above you? Do you hear kids laughing, or fighting? Do you see a pile of dirty dishes? Don’t tell yourself anything about what you’re noticing, simply notice it as an observer and as a receiver of sensory input.

What is Mindfulness?

In the psychology field, this is called mindfulness. Maybe you’ve tried it in a yoga class or on a meditation app. But it doesn’t have to be a major undertaking that you have to schedule time to practice. It can be a quick and easy way to transform your experience of motherhood. The simple act of turning your attention to what your senses are taking in can provide a needed dose of calm on the rough days and help you enjoy the sweet moments more deeply.

Mindfulness in Moments of Stress

Here’s how a simple attempt at mindfulness can help during moments of stress. Imagine you’ve had a rough day, maybe you’re solo parenting or didn’t get enough sleep or the kids have been particularly unruly that day. You’re about at your breaking point when you realize it’s been a little too long since you’ve heard your toddler. You walk into the bathroom to find she’s opened up your makeup and drawn all over the mirror, counter, maybe even the walls…

Create space for an anchor

Enter Mindfulness! While it would be understandable for you to lose your cool in this moment, this is the perfect time for a mindfulness pause. Pause is the key word, because if you can put some space in between the trigger and your response, it leaves room for some helpful things to take place inside of you that will allow you to react in a way consistent with your goals and higher-order thinking rather than from your fight-or-flight response. (It’s the same idea as when you take a drive to cool off during an argument with your spouse, or when you tell your child to take a deep breath or a time out when their emotions are getting out of hand.)

So you’re going to pause for a few seconds. Decide ahead of time what you’re going to fill this pause with that’s more helpful than your fuming thoughts. Here are some ideas:

• You can plan to simply think or say the word, “pause”.
• You can plan to take two deep breaths. Some people find it helpful to place their hand on their heart while doing this.
• You can plan to repeat a calming word or phrase (“Be still, my soul.” or “Just breathe…” or “This is not an emergency.”)
• You can recite a short Bible verse or song lyric (“The Lord is my Shepherd, I have everything I need.”)
• You can whisper a brief expression of compassion toward your child or yourself (“A toddler’s job is to explore their world.” or “It’s okay for me to feel angry.”)
• You can declare a certain positive parenting goal you have (“I want to be a steady mom.” or “I want my child to feel safe with me.”).

You probably won’t have the wherewithal to come up with one of these things in the heat of the moment, so choose something in advance so you’ll have it ready when you need it. This word or phrase will be your anchor when a sea of emotion threatens to sweep you away.

Tune into your senses

If you’re able to continue the pause a bit longer before reacting, this is the time to pay attention to your senses. Tell yourself what you notice around you or inside of you, without any evaluations or attachment of meaning to the event. You might tell yourself something like this:

“I see my child perched on the counter.”
“I see my makeup strew across the floor.”
“I see red lipstick on the mirror.”
“I smell my lavender lotion and see it slathered all over her arms.”
“I hear the TV on in the other room.”
“I feel my muscles tensing.”
“I feel the cold tile under my feet.”

What this achieves is that it disrupts the neurological pathway to whatever automatic response you’ve gotten into the habit of engaging in. This creates an opportunity for the same trigger to enter your brain in a new way and connect to a new response.

You can do this!

Congratulations, you’ve just done two helpful things in the span of a few seconds, while under a lot of stress! Go you! A great step to take from here would be to offer some empathy both to yourself (it makes sense that you’d feel upset!) and to your child (there’s a reason behind why she did it- she needed sensory input, she was curious about what these “paints” were, she was mad that you didn’t let her have a cookie, she wanted to look pretty like mama). From there, a productive discussion and action steps will come more easily.

But keep it simple. Remember:

1. BREATHE with your planned anchor.
2. NOTICE your physical senses without commentary.
3. EMPATHIZE with yourself and with your child.

It may take some practice, but if you work on the first step until it becomes a habit and add in the next when you’re able, you’ll be responding intentionally and in accordance with what you value, rather than having a knee-jerk reaction that leads you to respond in ways you don’t feel so good about later. Even one deep breath will help if that’s all you can manage at first. You can do this!

Mindfulness in Moments of Joy

Now here comes the best part of mindfulness: it can help you be even more present for the moments of joy. Those precious, fleeting moments of childhood you’re worried you’re going to miss? A simple practice of mindfulness will help you experience them more fully.

Mindfulness simply means bringing your attention to the present moment, and just like with our strategy for stressful moments, we’re going to use our 5 senses to achieve this, only this time minus the stress and plus some sweet enjoyment!

“I see my son’s smile as he pours himself a glass of lemonade.”
“I taste the sweet tartness as I take a sip of mine.”
“I hear the ice cubes clang as I lift my glass.”
“I see the condensation on the glass and feel the wetness on my fingertips.”
“I hear my daughter’s laughter and see the streaks of red in her hair in the sunlight.”
“I smell the delicious smells coming from the BBQ grill.”
“I feel the warmth of the sun on my cheeks, my arms.”
“I feel my body relax as I take a deep breath.”

If kids grow up too fast, this is one way we can press the slow-mo button on time and soak it right up. When we notice more of what we’re experiencing, we experience more of it, and we’ll likely feel more gratitude for it. This boosts happiness, increases the sense of connection to those we are experiencing it with, and helps cement it in our memories, a gift to ourselves both for the present and the future.

A No-Pressure Strategy

You don’t have to practice mindfulness in every moment. We all go through our days on autopilot sometimes or react without thinking. There isn’t space in our head to give focused attention to every piece of sensory input that comes our way and choose every response carefully. But if we can manage to sprinkle in a few mindful moments throughout the day or week, we’ll be a little calmer in crisis, a little more present for sweetness, and we’ll be enjoying these years that much more (with zero guilt added!).