The Gift of Empathy

Have you ever had an encounter in which you shared with someone about something you were struggling with (frustration at work, grief over a loss, a difficult personal relationship, etc.), and instead of feeling better after sharing it, the person’s response, however well-intentioned, left you feeling dismissed and not really understood at all? Maybe they glossed over your feelings by offering a trite saying, were quick to give unsolicited advice about how to solve your problem, or jumped to an overly-optimistic perspective that failed to acknowledge your feelings and the difficult realities of the situation? Compare that with the feeling you have after sharing with someone who really listens, seeks to understand and validate your experience, and even enters into it with you, offering encouragement that gives hope but also provides space for you to feel the way you feel. This time, you’ve been given the gift of empathy.

Empathy First

During my counseling training, my fellow counseling students and I often referred to what we called “Empathy Soup.” It was the idea that any counseling skills we might employ or guidance we could offer was typically secondary to giving the gift of empathy to a client. A supportive, understanding relationship in which we as counselors would acknowledge and validate someone’s feelings and experiences was the broth of the counseling “soup,” and anything else we offered was an extra ingredient thrown in. Soup may be a funny picture to use, but it was effective creating in us as professionals the habit of listening with compassion and acknowledging that the person in front of us is the expert on his or her own life, we are simply a partner coming alongside to support and encourage. Empathy soup can be a great reminder for all of us that while there is a time and a place for challenging someone to change their thinking or behavior, we must earn the right to do so by showing them we care about and understand them first, or our input will fall on deaf ears, and rightly so.

It’s natural for any of us as humans to respond instinctively in conversations with others, quickly offering our own perspective or exploring counterarguments. It is also natural for us to want to move past uncomfortable feelings and arrive at a solution or a positive outlook as soon as possible. But if we want to be the kind of person people walk away from feeling genuinely encouraged and understood by rather than leaving them feeling talked at and alone in their feelings, we need to overcome our discomfort with discomfort. Before jumping into problem-solving or reframing (skipping to the happy ending we, out of goodwill for them, hope they will eventually arrive at), it’s important first to acknowledge where they are at in this moment, and affirm that it makes sense for them to be feeling the way they do given the circumstances. When we skip over communicating this understanding and start with advice about what they should do (no matter how good the advice might be) we can inadvertently send the message that they shouldn’t be where they are or feeling how they feel, or even that it’s their fault for being there, which is probably not the message we are wanting to send.

I am as guilty as the next person at defaulting to this kind of thoughtless response at times. As someone who naturally looks at situations from multiple angles and resists black-and-white thinking, and whose upbringing, too, included being taught to avoid extremes, I don’t often struggle to understand someone’s point of view. But because I tend to see things from multiple perspectives, I can sometimes be quick to present the opposing viewpoint when someone in my life expresses their thoughts to me, being so focused on considering other perspectives that might be out there that I neglect to first offer that understanding to the person right in front of me, even if I agree. This unintentional misdirection of focus ends up being a wasted opportunity to be an empathic and supportive listener to someone I care about.

When someone shares a part of their heart with us, we have been given a tremendous gift. We have the power to give back to them an equally valuable gift: the gift of been truly seen and heard. When we slow down a bit and take a moment to sit with another person in their experience, seeking first to understand and then to show them we understand by reflecting their experience back to them in our own words, we offer something more valuable than ideas. When we show empathy, we are giving someone what every human being needs and longs for- the assurance that they are not alone. When a person feels seen and heard, they feel valued and connected, and people will hold in high esteem the rare person who makes them feel that way.

As you up your empathy game, you will probably notice that not only do people enjoy talking to you, but they become more open to your advice because they trust you as someone who truly understands and cares about them personally rather than just about their problem or about being perceived as an expert. The advice you give, if invited to do so, becomes better because you’ve sought deeper understanding. And you’ve gotten it, because by reflecting people’s feelings and experiences back to them, you’ve provided opportunity for them to tweak their explanation if it turns out it hasn’t come across to you quite right, making your conceptualization of the situation more accurate and nuanced. You may also find that the person is more likely to arrive at a solution of their own through the conversation, because when they don’t have to spend any time convincing you that their feelings are valid, they are free to move forward toward progress.

Empathy in Conflict

Empathy also diffuses conflict in this way. A person no longer has to fight for what they’re saying when you make their case for them. It turns off the fight or flight instinct and creates a safer place for productive discussion. Of course you don’t always have to agree with someone’s opinion or behavior. But it’s worth recognizing they have a reason for it. And until you offer understanding of their experience and how it has led them to arrive where they have, there will be no convincing them of another point of view. You can’t tell someone their experience is illegitimate and then expect them to listen to you. They’ll be too busy feeling indignant about being written off, and their effort will go not into considering alternative perspectives but into convincing you and themselves that theirs makes sense. Occasionally, a very mature and self-aware person might be convinced of the error of their ways by someone confronting them, but a person with such wisdom and inner discipline is very rare. For most of us, criticism only makes us dig our heels in more. So we need to ask ourselves- what are people actually won over by? We’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, as the saying goes.

I once read an article about how to communicate with family members on the opposite side of the political spectrum. The article mentioned someone who was extremely concerned about and opposed to a relative’s Q-Anon affiliation and beliefs. Aware that arguing against the person’s beliefs was not going to be productive, the family member determined to find some common ground to bridge the divide and find a way to lower the other person’s defenses by offering empathy and respect. So instead of ridiculing the relative’s belief in a government pedophile ring, she acknowledged and praised the person’s concern for children and their desire to protect them. This really struck me because it’s so rare that someone will make the effort to demonstrate respect for someone they disagree with so strongly.

I saw this once in my own experience and was equally struck by it. I was at a Bible study and a highly controversial and divisive topic came up, one I knew the people present held differing views about. I expected an uncomfortable conversation or even a heated debate, but these women handled the discussion with admirable grace, especially one person in particular, who offered a detailed and generous explanation of why someone who takes the opposite viewpoint of hers would feel the way they do. I’d never seen someone make such an effort to acknowledge an opposing viewpoint with respect. I have never forgotten that exchange and I think of it often, holding it as an example of the kind of person of empathy I aspire to be.

The next time you find yourself in a disagreement, no matter how passionately you feel about your point of view, consider taking a moment (as early and as often in the conversation as you can) to acknowledge the validity and positive aspects of the other person’s perspective before you argue against it. Even if you can’t bring yourself to say anything positive about what they are advocating for, you can at least acknowledge their personal experiences and feelings as legitimate and try to assume something positive about their intentions. You might be amazed by how much more productive it can make the conversation and how much more receptive the person might be to your input. You just might learn something, too.

Being a Gift to Others

Friends, it is not only possible to dialogue with those we disagree with most strongly with empathy and respect, I believe it is essential. And if we could possibly extend such a gift to our adversaries, why would we not extend it to our friends, our spouses, our children? Of course we want our loved ones to feel better for having shared their hearts with us, to feel understood and less alone. Most of us just need a little practice slowing down and starting with empathy first, letting it be the base for all the other ingredients, the many gifts of friendship and insight we each have to offer. Whatever tenuous issues might arise in our relationships and in society, if we can be generous givers of empathy, we just might change the world.